What a disappointment!

Talk about a Personal Trainer nightmare!

I was so excited about my appointment today with my personal trainer.  I was supposed to find out my real “Body Age” (whatever that was) and he was going to go over some things with me that I could do to improve and to reach my goals.  At least, that’s what I THOUGHT he was going to do.

 I met with him and he was rather abrupt.  He introduced himself and then sat me down and instructed me to fill out a medical history form.  I did.  He briefly looked at it and then ushered me over to a treadmill.  He told me to walk on it for 5 minutes and then to grab ahold of the heart rate monitor.  I informed him that the speed was quite a bit higher than I was used to and I started feeling a burning sensation in my calves.  I continued on though, even though I just wanted to stop and catch my breath. 

Then he ushered me over to a scale, which I’m convinced was weighted.  The thing said I weighed 6 pounds more than I did at the doctor’s office at on my home scale!  Then this evil man pinched me with this contraption that I swear I’ve seen in books on medieval torture and made me lean over a box and reach as far as I could.

 After he was done, he entered all the information into his little computer and informed me that I needed to get in shape.  (Um, that’s why I’m here!  I already KNOW I’m overweight and out-of-shape.  You don’t need to tell me.)

Then he walked me downstairs and sat down at a table with me and asked me what I was looking for.

“I want to lose weight and be healthy.”

Then he asked me a bunch of questions about what my current level of activity is (does clicking a keyboard and moving a mouse count?) and what I typically eat during the day.  After answering all of his questions, he then proceeded to give me sales pitch and tried to get me to purchase time with a personal trainer for my husband and myself — all at the very low cost of ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS PER MONTH! 

I laughed.

I tried to suppress it, but I just couldn’t.  In fact, it was a little bit more than that.  Plus, he apparently thought I needed to have this special breathing test done to determine my target heart rate.  Get this:

$100 for the test and $40 for the mask — BUT I GET TO KEEP THE MASK!!! WOO HOO!

My husband suggested we get matching t-shirts that say, “I spent thousands of dollars at <INSERT GYM NAME HERE> and all I got was this lousy mask.”

Then he tried to sell me ANOTHER breathing test — this one determines how many calories I should be eating per day.  I asked him how breathing into a mask can predict how many calories I require per day.  He gave me some mumbo jumbo about measuring carbon dioxide levels and such.

Now, I may be new to the world of fitness, but I don’t think I’m a complete moron.  They must love people that are new — they get to try and sell them all this useless garbage.

I explained to the man that I was looking for someone that could show my husband and I how to operate some of the weight-lifting machines and design an exercise program that we could follow for the next several weeks.  Then, we would return and have another assessment done and have a new exercise program designed for us.

He then told me — and this is a quote here folks, “If you don’t use the personal trainer 2-3 per week and just try to do it yourself, YOU WILL FAIL.”

I then politely told him that I’m one of the most stubborn people that he will ever meet and that I will NOT fail and that I WILL do this without a personal trainer if I need to.  When I have my mind made up about something, that’s it.  I will not be bullied into paying extravagant amounts of money. 

I thanked him for his time and left.

Now, does anyone know where I can find some suggestions for designing a workout plan?